This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
