Your face is a jimmy john
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
