u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
