i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
cat food counts as protein by the way
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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