Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
