No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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