Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
