I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
