I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
