I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
