apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Your cock deserves a montage
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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