I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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