He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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