Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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