the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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