jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He passed out mid-signature
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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