Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
