My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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