I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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