Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
