there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
