Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
