Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
