Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
