I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
