i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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