i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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