i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
