I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
And then my night got REAL pukey
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
