If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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