So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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