I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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