My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
