and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
