i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You can't special order awesome
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
