they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
