Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you didnt know i had herpes?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
