so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
