god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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