He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My penis needs a shock collar
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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