this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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