my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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