she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
