We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
