He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
