I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
