I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
