I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
