We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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