Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
