you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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